Friday, November 21, 2014

Lets live

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -  Kahlil Gibran

Not so long ago I remember driving and suddenly bursting to tears because I saw people out walking. I saw people who were moving with such freedom and ease and honestly I was jealous. Desperately my body and soul craved movement free from pain and limitations. They say you often don't miss something until you lose it and I completely agree with this statement. Walking is something we take for granted. I remember in that moment saying to myself that I would never take being able to walk for granted. I would cherish every heavenly step without crutches.

Can you imagine the joy that came over the next week when I was slowly able to go from two crutches to one to NONE! I feel like me again. I feel like I have my spark back. I feel like I can start to live again and not simply survive. It's not often until I get a break from the pain I can step back and realise how severe the pain was. How my days were spent consumed by mind altering pain or dosed up on morphine. I don't know how I survived that patch and I never want to have to go back to that pain again. Being off morphine has made such a different mentally as well. I no longer feel spacey and foggy. I feel alive and bright. I was so lucky that I was able to stop the morphine with no withdrawal symptoms.

Yesterday I was able to go grocery shopping by myself for the first time in months. While everyone else looked like it was the last place they wanted to be I excitedly pushed my trolley around and enjoyed every step. I felt independent, in control, fulfilled and delighted. I can't remember the last time I felt those emotions. Every day I feel as though I am getting stronger and am able to achieve more. I feel so thankful the steroid injection worked and can't believe the complete contrast. I have a constant warm, bubbly, excited feeling in my heart. I am grateful for every moment I get without pain.

The quote at the top of the page perfectly sums up this post. In the space of about a week I went from crying tears of sorrow about not being able to walk to almost crying tears of joy for being able to. Right now I am in such a precious place where I am filled with so much joy. The things I have been crying about are now the moments that are making me happy. So if you see a blonde girl walking down the street with a huge smile on her face for no apparent reason chances are it's me enjoying every heavenly pain free step.

Saturday, November 15, 2014


Friday 14th November 2014

Tonight we won!
We got to be the young, carefree, joyful us!
I wasn't overcome by severe unrelenting pain and you didn't have to spend the night caring for me. Tonight you held my hand while I walked WITHOUT crutches, something you haven't been able to do for a very long time.
Tonight we felt like we could both breathe a lot easier.
We laughed, drank and dined.
You told me multiple times I was beautiful and honestly I felt it.
I wasn't the sick girl and the worry look in your eye disappeared.
Tonight was perfect and we are so thankful.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Bring on being painfree!

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today" . - Thich Nhat Hanh

You remember that feeling you got as a kid before Christmas? That anticipation and excitement deep in your belly? The feeling of wanting time to speed up so you didn't have to wait for so long. Well that is what its been like for me counting down the days until I got my hip steroid injection. I guess for majority of you the thought of having a massive needle placed into a joint would seem like a worst nightmare but the truth was I was so looking forward to this procedure. Looking forward to being able to sleep through the night without excruciating pain, be able to walk without crutches, stop taking heavy duty painkillers and ultimately start living again!

Finally yesterday the day dawned upon me. Months had turned into weeks, weeks into days and days into hours. I felt like I had finally taken control back from this miserable pain. I wasn't due in at the hospital until 3.30pm so I had a long day ahead of me waiting. I was thankful that due to having had this done two times previously I knew what I was in for which made the waiting easier. There is nothing worse than anxiously waiting for a surgery. Arriving at the hospital things happened very quickly as I had been brought forward on the list. Because the injection is done in a theater room I am prepped like I'm having surgery. Due to my lupus my surgeon wants the most sterile clean conditions to lower the risk of infection. I am wheeled away to theater and checked over for the final time. My surgeon comes into pre-op and signs the final forms and marks my left leg. I am excited and its obvious  to all the nurses who seem to be confused with why I am so happy. One states I am a 'breath of fresh air'. My surgeon checks again that I do not want any sedatives. My reply "no I am absolutely fine!".

I am then wheeled into the operating theater and transferred onto the table. I always find it so strange to be awake at this time. The room has to be kept cold so I am piled with warm blankets. Before we begin my surgeon marks out vial arteries and nerves that he needs to stay away from.My hip area is then smothered in antiseptic and draped to prevent infection. A radiologist uses a fluoroscope to ensure my surgeon gets the needle inside my hip joint. First a local anasetic is injected into my hip to numb the area to reduce the pain. It more feels like a sharp scratch then a little big of stinging as the local is injected. Nothing too painful. Once the area is numb the needle is then inserted right into the hip joint. The surgeon then inserts contrast into the hip to ensure he is in the right place. Xrays will be taken during this time and sometimes the needle will have to be moved around slightly to find the right place. Once this is achieved the steroid is injected as well as some long lasting anesthetic  . This typically does not hurt but can feel like there is pressure building up in the joint. Then the needle is removed a sterile water proof dressing is placed on the injection site and you are done!! The injection its self does not take long more time is spent charting and prepping all the materials. Throughout the injection my surgeon talked me through what was happened and ensured I was being brave and coping well.
Needle in my hip being injected with contrast 

I was then transferred back to my bed and into post op where I had two sets of observations taken and then got to go back to my room. I was so thankfully I did not have to wake up from a general anesthetic as the guy next to be struggled with the nasty side effects. Thanks to the local anesthetic my hip felt great.   I spent about an hour and a half in the hospital before I was allowed home. On the way home I happily burst out with "Mum I can't feel my hip!!!". Relief sweet relief!  Last night I had to rest up and take it easy to allow the steroid to start to work. I had the best sleep which was incredible.

This morning my local anesthetic has worn off so my hip is a bit more achy. The steroid should start to kick in in the next few days. Here's hoping it wont take long. So for now I hope and pray that soon I truly will be pain free!!! I have so much living I want to do so please hip be nice.